RiSiNg OuT oF tHe FlAmEs

If you've ever been in a romantic relationship with someone you really care about, only for it to come to an abrupt sudden end, then you can relate to what I'm about to say.

Watching something you've worked on and invested in for a significant length of time in your life goes up in flames can be as dramatic as it sounds. Rising out of this whilst maintaining your sanity, your self-respect and most importantly becoming a better person as a result, is probably the most difficult part of it all.  Going through a break up will test what you’re made of and you need to have the ability to be strong and very resilient through it all. The experience will undoubtedly have an impact on how you see life and how you love again but the most important thing is to not let it change who you are.

Everyone will experience their break-ups differently because there could be a number of reasons why it happened in the first place. 

For this reason, everyone will deal with it differently but nevertheless, here are a 6 major points to help you come out of it a better person.

1)     Don’t blame yourself

Take this point with caution because in some cases, it only takes one person to ruin a good relationship. However in most cases, things just don’t work out for one reason or another.  A relationship involves two people, even though I may be contradicting myself here, the two of you will be equally to blame for its ending.  Blaming yourself (even if it was your fault) is a very unhealthy thing to do and can lead to depression. In the majority of cases, there will be other factors involved, no matter how minuscule or insignificant they may seem that would have played a part in the break up. Whether it was you who initiated the actual break-up or your partner, blaming yourself is never the answer.

2)    It's OK to be upset

Seems obvious but you’ll be surprised at how many people will put up a front and tell you they’re fine, just after a break-up. Lies! You can’t be fine after such an ordeal. After having invested significant time, effort and emotions into a relationship, it’s natural to be upset regardless of why it ended. It’s good and perfectly healthy to have a little cry and let it all out. Talk about it with a close friend over a box of chocolates if you have to. However, don’t make this a habit and continue to be upset. That is when it gets unhealthy. Mourning the end of something is part of what makes us human but then we BURY IT and MOVE ON.

3)    Have a honest reflection

This can be a very hard thing to do. One of the common things people do after such a traumatic event is to go into denial. You tell yourself all the things you want to hear and change the truth in your head about what really went wrong just so you can feel better. Again, this is natural but you can’t keep doing this. You have to then be honest with yourself as to what really happened and where it all went wrong. If you were to blame, accept it and learn from your mistakes. If it was a particular situation that led to the break up, examine what led to that and how you won’t repeat the same thing.  Only after doing this can you truly begin the ‘moving on’ process.

4)    Stay positive

It is common for people to go into a spiral of self-loathing after a break up. Just because someone who you regarded as the love of your life has just left you doesn't mean that you’re worthless and will never find love again. All it means is that they were not the right person for you otherwise, they would have stayed. Call me an optimist, but I like to think there is someone out there for everyone. You have to remain positive and know that one day, you’ll meet someone who will treat you a hundred times better and love you so much more than he/she ever did. Also, surround yourself with friends and family who care because they will be important in getting you through this.

5)    Keep your distance from your Ex

Again, this seems obvious but some people will still call their Ex’s, maybe hoping for a change of heart or some sort of re-connection. Whilst this is understandable, I STRONGLY advice against it. This will not help your moving on process and will only keep your mind pre-occupied with them and thinking about things that should be left in the past. I'm not saying you should not remain friends if you want to be but a good time apart to recover is necessary. Some of the things not to do include checking their Facebook profile every now and then, sending them text messages, and leaving missed calls e.t.c. These are all No Nos! You need to find yourself again and get back to a healthy mental state before engaging with them again.

And if such is the case that you never want to see or speak to them again, then that’s fine. However, let this be a rational decision that is made under a healthy mental state. Don’t harbour hate in your heart against your ex because you will only be punishing yourself and letting them have a hold over you. You need to set them free in your heart and have no regrets. This will give you peace of mind and allow you to look forward without holding on to the past.

6)    Have no regrets

Life is full of experiences; some good, some bad. We all make decisions that we feel is best at that particular time for one reason or another. Regardless of how sudden and bad the ending of a relationship is, there would have been some good times too during the course of the relationship. These are all experiences and they need to be viewed as just that. Don’t add any more meaning to them than what they were. Even if you think that night you both laid there on the grass looking at the moon, and you saw a shooting star go by and it was so special you were sure that your relationship was divine and written in the stars…blah blah blah… it was just an experience. You will have many more experiences and they will be even better than any you think you've already had.

Life in itself is beautiful and should be enjoyed and cherished. Regret only dampens the joy life brings and stops you from enjoying the beauty that surrounds you. To move forward and rise out of the flames of bad and traumatic experiences, you cannot have any regrets. Now go and be happy.

Written by and Belongs to: (c) Pelumi Olawale

Edited by: Beinspired4u